Tuesday, July 17, 2007

What Is and What Should Never Be

Everyone has kickass dreams. All the time I'm hearing things like "I dreamt about fighting off puppet zombies. They won." That person is always freaked out. People who have awesome dreams hate them. And I hate those people.

My dreams always revolve around conflicts like "looking for a book in the library," or "I'm really hungry so I need to somehow steal all of my friend's candy bars." My best dream of recent memory involved getting a Nintendo Gamecube. I already had one when I dreamed this. My scariest nightmare of the past few years was when I dreamt during the summer that school had started already, and I was a week behind everyone else! Oh no, how will I ever catch up in Mock Trial? OH WAIT.

It didn't used to be like this. I can remember being pursued by the librarian from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood when she was turned into a demon, and having knock-down, drag-out fights with our wheel-chair-bound, mentally retarded family friend. (My record? 2 and 1, thank you very much.) Yes, things used to be great for me, but now the best celebrity my dreams can come up with for me to hang with is that Canadian rapper Snow. And I had to push him around in a shopping cart while he looked for adult diapers. That is unacceptable!

I think I've figured out a solution. My real life has to get fuckin' weird as hell in order to compensate. Next time you ask me what I did last night, I'm not going to tell you I sat in an airport for three hours waiting for my parents flight to land so I could spend another hour driving them home. I'm going to tell you I spent last night swordfighting with Dracula and Parker Posey. I killed Dracula but Parker Posey managed to escape. We're arch nemeses, and one day I will feast on her blood. When you ask me to see the next Bruce Willis vehicle, my reason for not going won't be "I hate Bruce Willis." It will be "I can't, I'm going ghost hunting with Steve Buscemi and Madeleine Albright and they can't do it without me. Steve's the bagman, Maddy's the diplomat, and I'm the muscle. We're really going to show those motherfuckers you don't mess with the living! Also, I fucking hate Bruce Willis!"

Anyway, I'm gonna wrap this up. A crocodile is waiting for me out front in a Volkswagon Bus. We're going to make a meat lover's pizza and throw it at some vegitarians down at the zoo, and then we've got to pick up my old babysitter so our band can play down at the old abandoned doll factory. We play jazz fusion.