Amtrak Strikes Back!

So, I walked into the train bathroom, and lifted the lid, and saw two distinct piles of shit sitting in the bowl. I hit the flusher, expecting to hear a nuclear bomb go off as the industrial toilet went to work, but was instead treated to a light trickling sound, as a sprinkling of blue water fell upon the duke. It wasn't going anywhere. At this point, I observed that this had to be two separate people's craps, as there was one long log of a dark mud brown, and another ball of crap, light tan, pieced together like a human brain.

I never thought I would find something that was too gross to shit on.

Dear Amtrak,

WHAT THE FUCK? First, you make me wait two hours and forty-five minutes for our goddamn train, and then you tell me you are going to "fine" me for not making a reservation? You're worried I'm a terrorist? Are you shitting me? I will tell you this right now: YOU WILL NEVER, FOR THE ENTIRE REMAINING FUTURE OF YOUR COMPANY, HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT TERRORISM! Nobody is going to hijack a train because it's on a FUCKING TRACK! Unless someone develops a magical track-laying device which allows one to build train track right into important buildings, you have nothing to worry about! FUCK!

Also, what the hell is this bullshit half-hour stop in New Haven with the lights off? I can't believe I'm sitting in your goddamn train for a half hour in the dark when I could be at home having a hot threeway with my dogs ladyfriends. This is the very definition of ricockulousness.

And That's Why So Is Mankind.

Isn't it strange how whenever we see something written on a dry erase board outside someone's door, we have to change it to include Hitler somehow?

Like, "Lost was awesome" becomes "Hitler was awesome!"

Or, "I love Steve! -Kim" becomes "I love Hitler! -Kim is a fat ugly slut."

I think once we look into this, we will know a lot more about ourselves as human beings.

"The"

College professors become some of the most awkward people alive when a guest speaker is taking their place. Out of their element, they lean against the wall, like the shy kid at the dance. "I don't even want to dance, I like leaning up against the wall by myself with my arms crossed." In order to feel like they aren't wasting their time, they usually just pick random words or phrases that the speaker has just said, and write them on the blackboard. I don't know why my comparative literature professor decided it was important for me to remember "Cory" or "boing boing," but I find it hilarious.

Armstrong

My roommate wants to get a new tattoo, but he can't figure out where to get it, so of course I suggested the obvious: his taint. He wasn't too keen on that, so I said he should get a Mad "Fold-in" on his scrotum... more of a Mad "Stretch-out."

Eastern Wisdom

[Outside of Extra Dope Wear.]
Peter: I want to kick R.C.'s ass so bad! I could totally do it, too! [Punches wall.] Aggh!
Sara: Yeah, but that's not saying much. I mean, I could kick R.C.'s ass.
Adam: Yeah, like, a momma cub could take a baby cub...
[Silence.]
Adam: What? Mom? Dinner?
[Later.]
David: Dude, that was awesome.
Adam: It was a good cover though, right?