Thursday, September 28, 2006

Bathroom Etiquette (or "Dear Joe")

The bathroom is good as...
  • A place in which to pee and poop
  • A fart depository
  • A land in which one may vomit in the sink

However, please remember to...

  • Pee in the bowl, and not only all over the seat, walls, ceiling, and floor.
  • Hold in all farts until you reach the bathroom. The only other room that makes an acceptable depository is the trash room, and maybe the lounge, once, as a joke.

The stairwell is fair game.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I Love Accents!

Accents are everywhere. Some would say we all have an accent, but they are wrong, and idiots. The suburban dialect is the correct American English, so unless you speak exactly like I do, shut the fuck up and get the hell out of my house!

I'm writing this piece to finally set all you motherfuckers straight on accents; which are good, which are bad, and the like.

Here are my favorite accents, the "good" ones:


The British accent is awesome, because they sound so diginified and intelligent, even if they are retarded. In this way, they are lucky, because if you are American, and are an idiot, it is immediately evident. When women have a nice British accent, it is one of the hottest things ever. The one exception to this is the Cockney British accent. It's cool for guys to have it, because they can be funny or badass, but when chicks have a cockney accent, it seriously stomps on your erection.


This is the cutest thing imaginable. I don't care how manly you are, you have to think Japanese women are adorable. The only thing that makes my Japanese culture class bearable is when the Japanese TA teaches hiragana, because she traces them in the air, and says things like "This one a rittle trickee, ita haba circow here!"


German accents are awesome, as long as the speaker is really enthusiastic. Once they slow down, it becomes unbearable, but as long as they are a travel show host, it's awesome. If they give you a chance to really hear the little imperfections, they can drive you nuts, but if they do it fast and say things like "wery wiolent," it's all worth it.


Sometimes movies have a profound impact on our perceptions of accents. The Lion King has single-handedly made the Nigerian accent awesome. Just think of Mufasa saying "Everything the light touches is your kingdom."


Whenever you hear an Irish accent, it just makes you want to have a good time and get drunk and break a bottle over someone's head.


There is nothing better than hearing any one of the fantastic Australian exclamations. Everyone thinks "CRIKEY!" is the best one, but you are all idiots. The best is clearly "Ooh de lally!"


This is another instance in which a movie has greatly changed the reputation of an accent. Natasha Nogoodnik from Rocky & Bullwinkle paved the way, but Xenia from Goldeneye really made the Russian accent hot.


I can't not laugh out loud when I hear a Latin person end a sentence with "meng!"

These may be awesome, but there are several accents which are horrendous and should be destroyed.

To be continued in I Hate Accents!

I Hate Accents!

Continued from I Love Accents!

Here are the worst accents ever. Stop using these immediately:


Please, just quit it. I try to lay off the French because everyone shits on them, but seriously, every time a Frenchman speaks, it just sounds like pooping. Also, the Merovingian from The Matrix series had a French accent, and he was just awful. Everything he said just made me furious.


The Southern accent is the fast-track to idiocy. If you have a Southern accent, you are a moron. There is no getting around it. If you had any shred of intelligence, you would either have eliminated the accent, or never picked it up in the first place. No excuses.

New York/New Jersey

This is fucking ricockulous. First of all, the New York/New Jersey accent suffers from the same "sounding unintelligent" thing that the Southern accent exemplifies, but in addition, it makes you sound like an asshole. Everything sounds insulting when spoken through this accent. Perhaps worst of all, idiots think I have a New York accent, but only after they hear I'm from New York. To prove my point, last night, when I was talking with some of my floor-mates about accents, I told one of them, who had just said he couldn't tell where I was from, that I was from New Mexico, and he believed me. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING NEW YORK ACCENT YOU FUCKING INGRATES!


Some people can't tell the difference between Scotch and Irish, but it's all in the absurd rolled R's and "hootman's!"


I'm sorry to take a shot at Arabic, but I really think this is the only reason why Americans dislike Arabs. It has nothing to do with 9/11, we just don't like getting spit on during conversation.

Now, there are some that are moderately humorous, but mostly inoffensive. Canadian and Midwest accents are sometimes worth a chuckle, but mostly just embarrassing to any who speak them. These are, however, acceptable, so you are free to continue saying "aboot" and "eh." Just don't overdo it.

Now, if anyone disagrees with anything I've said in these two posts, suck it, because I am the ultimate authority on the English language.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

You Win This Time, Life!

I got locked out of my room somehow when I went to take a shower today, and the chick at the office downstairs was like "I need your ID." I told her that I wasn't wearing pants, and that was enough ID.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Why My Generation Is Going To Fuck Up The World Tribute: Past Generation Edition!

People need to stop feeling pride in their age. There is nothing good about being older or younger than someone, it's an arbitrary number, and you sound like a fool when you insult people for their age.

Same thing goes for race. You shouldn't hate people due to their race, but you shouldn't feel pride in your race. I feel no pride for my Finnish background; they invented the kickass Molotov Cocktail, but I have nothing to do with that, so it doesn't concern me. You shouldn't feel "pride" from simply existing as an "aZn" or "AFRICAN!" GODDAMN IT YOU ARE PROUD OF DOING NOTHING!

So, Parents: stop telling your kids to be proud of being something they had no part in. If your kid starts talking about DANISH PRYDE! I want you to stick a funnel in his mouth and start pouring in bleach until he starts having a seizure. Kids: if you have to be proud of something (I still don't understand this), just start filling up a jar of your bodily waste. Leave it out in the sun until the toenails start growing on their own, then mail it to your local congressman. Maybe he'll be so touched that he'll change his mind on one of those pesky amendments, like XVI. That whole "without regard to any census or enumeration" thing was way off.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

It's 3:01 in the AM, and You're Watching Perspectives!

Last night, one guy on my floor got incredibly drunk, started making scenes all over the place. One girl, who doesn't drink, and also doesn't eat tomato sauce, was spoken to by this guy. She's one of those chatty, Jewish "good girls." I think it's funny now, that he spoke to her and then like, fell down or something, but to her she "was pinned up against the wall and almost got raped." Ha ha, good one lady!

Friday, September 15, 2006


It's official. I am now a shithead.

I woke up today at 9 AM, and somehow managed not to go flying into the wall as I got out of bed. This has so far turned out to be the high point of my day. I was about three minutes into my twenty minute walk across campus to my first class, when I heard a flock of ducks take off. Normally, I get anxious when I hear the sound of a bunch of birds flying overhead, but I had just woken up, so I didn't even have time to get worried, before I felt something land on my head. I was hoping it was an acorn or something, but a quick swipe at my own head confirmed my greatest fear: a bird had shat upon my head. It was green.

I've spent my entire life waiting to see someone get bird shit on their head so that I may have license to call them "shithead" whenever I want. To bad that someone turned out to be me.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


As I approached the crosswalk, I noticed a man in a black suit, standing next to a cardboard box with the words, "New Testament" written on the side. As the box implied, he was passing out little green copies of the New Testament, gifts for the open minds of the collegiate. There was a quiet dignity about this man, a great stoicism, which I noticed as I tossed the little green book he had given me into the sewer.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Eternal Competition

I think all guys look in the bowl afterwards. All artists have to have at least a little bit of time to admire their work.

Monday, September 11, 2006


Alright this is fucking madness and it needs to stop. The popped collar cannot be rocked at all times of the day; it's dangerous. You need to reserve it for occasions in which you need to kick it up a notch, not for those in which you need to eat a bran muffin. Fuck.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I'm bleeding out my FUCKING EYES!

On weekends, the dining halls close at the ricockulously early time of 9 PM. I can't even fuckin' begin to understand why they do this, because everyone is obviously going to be up later on weekends, but that's not what I'm here to write about. I went down the elevator to get something from the vending machines on the first floor, and as I leave the elevator room, I pass a police officer (I think) and the check in station for guests, and get my shit from the vending machine. I figure I can go in the back door to the elevators, since its on the same side as the vending machines, but it's locked. Some dude came over and was all "PLEASE GO THROUGH THE CHECK IN STATION AND SEE THE POLICE OFFICER!" He then proceeded to tell some broad to get by the door to guard it, because "THEY'RE GETTING THROUGH!"

First of all, how dare you tell me I can't go through that way. Second, did you not just see me walk out that same goddamned room? I can't fuckin' believe it!

Friday, September 08, 2006

17th Floor Update 9/8/06

It has recently come to light that all the Jewish students have been segregated to one area of the floor. Of course, no one has able to confirm this, as walking into that section of the floor would result in instant deafness, due to the massive amounts of complaining resonating in the hall. Residence officials have declared this area uninhabitable, and have named it "Kraków."

Open Letter to UMass Amherst

So, tonight, Bob Saget is going to be performing here. It's been hyped up since orientation, and tonight is the big night. But I have to say, I am incredibly disappointed with you. I've been here since Sunday, and I haven't once heard someone say, "'Bob Saget?' More like 'Bob Faggot!'" What kind of institution is this?

Dear Intro to Science Fiction Class,

"Who are you and why are you reading my shirt?"

I'm Dave, and I'm reading your shirt because the words are written right across your prodigious, hypnotizing man-boobs. If you wanted me not to read your shirt, you should have worn it over your hideous, Communist face.

David Normal

Secret of Zen

I think the best time for meditating is when you're on the toilet.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

17th Floor Update 9/6/06

Here's the latest news from my dorm floor:

Some people found a couch on the side of the road, and brought it up to our lounge area. I was hoping they would find something awesome inside it, like a dirty syringe, but all they found was some nail clippers. Think how awesome that would be? Someone reaches their hand inside the couch and pulls it out with a needle stuck in the webbing of their fingers! Oh well, I guess you can't just sit idly by and wait for things to happen... you have to get things going yourself!

I'll update again when we find some cushions for this thang.

Overheard On Campus

"Dude, I was running so fast, I could feel it already start to come out."

"Hahaha, did you make it?"

"Well, yeah, but it was coming out before I even hit the seat. It was like 30 gallons!"

"All liquid?"

"No, there was some solid, but not as much as I like."

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


I met a girl today, and she was kind of dumpy. Like, when I saw her from afar, I wasn't sure it was a girl. Anyway, she said she played guitar, and I said I played bass, and she was like "I always wanted to learn bass." And I was like "Yeah, you look like it." That probably isn't the right thing to say in that situation.

Thoughts on Filicide

Sometimes, the door to the bathrooms in my dorm area is kept open with a door stopper. What the hell? I don't want to listen to people's inane conversations while I'm feeding the toilet my children. Furthermore, I don't think anyone wants to listen to me put that thing into therapy. Who thought this was a good idea? Earlier today, some girl was actually standing in the doorway to the bathroom, talking to some dude. I don't know what he was doing, but if it turns out he was drowning a duke or something, I can never trust him. There's just something wrong about someone who talks to people while on the toilet.