Thursday, August 31, 2006

Ba-gwa!

If it were legal, I would marry my new wallpaper.

Monday, August 28, 2006

The Bald Truth, Part I

In the past few months, I've been losing my hair, becoming closer and closer to bald. For many people, this would seem to be a bad thing, but I beg to differ. There have been many great bald people throughout history. Don't believe me? Let me prove it. Nick Oliveri was the bassist for Queens of the Stone Age for their first three albums, called their "Awesome Period." He was responsible for that awesome bass solo in "No One Knows," and sick vocals on "You Think I Ain't Worth a Dollar, But I Feel Like a Millionaire." He was fired before the production of Lullabies To Paralyze, their weakest effort, for being "too naked." If that's not awesome, I don't know what is.
Shavo Odadjian is the bassist for System of a Down, the most consistantly awesome band ever. I don't think I need to go into why System of a Down is awesome. Shavo has, like many bald greats, overcome his baldness with standard bald man accessories, the foot-long goatee and bass guitar.
David Cross is the greatest comedian of all time. Arrested Development and Mr. Show are the best things to happen to television in a long time.Larry David once said of bald people, "We're a set! We're a group! You can't call someone 'bald asshole!' What if I was gay? What if it said 'gay asshole?' This is a hate crime!"

Continued in next post...

The Bald Truth, Part II

Patrick Stewart is famous for his many awesome roles, such as Professor Xavier in the X-Men Movies, and some guy on some space show. He's currently working on a movie where he can control things with the power of his mind, but not in a comic book world, but the real world. It seems mostly to be just him seeing women without their clothes -- "I do other stuff, like, I'm riding my bike on the grass, and a police woman comes up and she says 'Oy! You can't ride your bike on the grass,' and I say, 'Oh no?' and suddenly all her clothes fall off and she tries to cover up but I've seen everything. Anyway, and I get up on my bike and I ride off. On the grass."
Mike Piazza tries to hide it, saying "It's a league requirement that I wear this HAT® (Hair Alternative Treatment)!" but we all know he's just fakin' it. He held a press conference in 2002 solely to tell the world that he wasn't gay, then, a few years later, slammed it in everyone's face by marrying a Playboy Playmate. Said Mike Piazza, "I ain't no queer."Konnan, or K-Dawg, as he is often known, is, without a doubt, the greatest wrestler of all time. I don't think I need to say anything else, besides, "Yo yo yo, let me speak on this! ├ôrale! Ariba la rasa! Yeah you know K-Dawg and the nWo Wolfpack Red & Black Attack be bout it bout it and--" (holds mic to the crowd, who responds with, "ROWDY ROWDY! AHHHHHHHH")
Now, let's not forget about the greatest monster of all time: Adolf Hitler. Was he bald? I don't think so.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

HB:DT

I spend every day
Waiting for it to come
Is it sent from below
Or is it punishment from above

I spend every day
Campaigning for the cause
My efforts are in vain
And slightly against most laws

They'll all be sorry
When the storm arrives
The swarm will fly in
And they'll run for their lives

I spend every day
Preparing for the flood
The never-ending flow
Of men with rotting blood

Now I'm all that's left
Turns out I'm the last one
Zombies devoured everyone else
But at least I had some fun

Prolapse

You may disapprove, but it sure feels great to let that out in the open.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Some Girls Try Too Hard

I was just at a party the other day, and, to give you an idea of how extravagant it was, they had three cakes!

Is there any more embarrassing member of American society than the party emcee? Why would you pay someone to play "Barbie Girl?"

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Eat a Bullet

"Prince Valiant, that's a comic book! Swamp Thing? That's not a comic book! You can't just get something because it's cool and you like it, you have to get it because it's beautifully drawn, or it's a great story! A dollar? Are you serious? I remember when comics were ten cents!"

Really? That is so interesting!

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Fuck Meatballs

Someone told us today, "You're the only people I know that I can say honestly contribute nothing to society." So I was like "What about rapists?" But we could all agree that the Swedes are the real problem with today's society.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

To Do

Isn't it about time someone invented a treatment for ear infections that doesn't involve me getting diarrhea?