Wednesday, November 29, 2006


She wasn't responding well to my jokes. Back home, most people seemed to get me, but around here, people don't laugh as much as I'd like. It was around this time that I started to lose confidence in my sense of humor. "I just have a really bad headache right now," she said.

Rather than respond with compassion or something admirable like that, I fell back on the one thing I knew, the same thing I was losing faith in: my sense of humor. "You know what my mom used to say was the best remedy for a headache?" I asked.

"What?" she said, knowing I would be no help.

"It was either a hug or a beating..." I guess this is as close as I was going to get to being sweet.

"You don't remember?" She seemed fed up.

"Well, my memory has gotten really bad from all the beatings." And so, I sealed my fate.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Words of Wisdom

Listen, I'm nice to everyone. They're just too stupid to realize it.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Diggy Diggy Diggy Part III!

I'm currently enrolled in a Japanese Arts & Culture class here at UMass Amherst. Most of the class has been lame and boring, with entire 75 minute lectures on tea, but I have learned a couple interesting things. First, Japan is the gayest society ever. Don't believe me? Here's a quote from my textbook: "When Zeami [one of the founders of No theater] met Yoshimitsu [then the shogun, head of the Japanese government] in 1374 he had been a mere child of eleven, and quite likely it was his physical beauty as much as anything that first attracted the shogun, who had a particular fondness for pretty boys." That's just one instance in which homosexual pedophilia played a major role in shaping Japanese society. At one point, Kabuki was outlawed because it helped spread the rampant homosexual proclivities of the Samurai class. Anyway, that's just funny; here are the terrifying parts of Japanese culture.
I am not ashamed to admit that I am horrified by Japanese theater. First, there is Bunraku, puppet theater. Almost every bunraku play is about lovers committing suicide, which is weird enough, except they fly around as creepy looking puppets before and after, and it makes me wet my pants.

This is much worse. Noh theater is a bunch of weird drama involving these awful masks. Since the actors wear masks, they have to use body language to get emotions across, and it always ends up with a bunch of fast, jerky head-motions that just make me want to cry. If I was ever trapped in a room with one of these motherfuckers, one of us would have to die.

There's a lot of talk going on in Japan about saving their culture from dying out, as it's quickly getting replaced with American culture. I, for one, look forward to the day when all Japanese entertainment is replaced with this: