Sunday, July 23, 2006

Murder & Rape

The beast stood a good twenty feet high, rippling with what I assumed was muscle. Behind the creature was the door to the room containing the it's creator. The door I wanted to go through.

I was armed with nothing but Murder, my sawed-off shotgun, and Rape, my battle-axe. I'd wasted a lot of shots and energy getting to the top of the castle; I only had one shell left, and my axe was dull. The beast had eight arms, four on each side, each a meter in diameter at its base. Each hand was a seven fingered claw, dripping with some sort of thick, dark green secretion, no doubt toxic. Arching out of its back came an enormous, thirty-foot tail, much like a scorpion's, only with a claw of four blades, each opposable, each also dripping with the green secretion. There were four two meter long wings coming out of its back, just like those of a bat, leathery and thin. The face was the worst part. The thing was about a meter and a half from the base of the skull to the top. Its single eye was inside its mouth, yellow and blood-shot. And the mouth! The teeth seemed never to end, it had to have at least six rows of sharp, crooked fangs. The thing had to weigh a few tons. All of this, on two bulging, veiny legs. I stood right in front of the monster, and rolled my eyes.

The room was at the top of a fifteen story tower, with many tall, arching windows. It only took a few seconds for a gust of wind to cause this mistake to topple over. It started attempting to thrust its arms forward, competing with the weight of its enormous tail to get itself off the ground, but with each arm a meter in diameter, and packed full with muscle, there was very little room for them to actually move. I took a leisurely stroll over to its head, and emptied my final round into its open mouth, snuffing out its miserable joke of a life.

I headed through the door, to meet its creator. "Were you joking?" I yelled. "That thing must have weighed at least ten tons! And you put it on just two little legs like that? Of course it's going to fall! That enormous tail probably didn't help keep it balanced! And that eye! Any time it wants to eat, it goes blind! And putting that many teeth all around its only means of sight must have made it feel real safe about blinking! Did you really think those wings would be able to lift it off the ground, especially when they were tripping over each other? What the hell were you thinking?"

"I dunno... I just thought it looked cool."


I don't do this anymore, but back when I used AOL, in elementary school, I guess, I used to talk to random strangers. I remember one person I used to "chat" with, who started out normal, but would start telling me all these things about how much his life sucked. I don't remember most of the specifics, but it kept escalating, until eventually, he said his teacher "raped" him, by putting her hand down his pants. My response was something like "psh, sure, whatever dude." He'd been telling me all these terrible life events that seemed to be hitting him one after another, and this was the final straw. I then proceeded to tell him I didn't buy it. I still think about this now, and I regret it to this day. Some nights, I can't sleep, because I can't stop thinking about it. I should have said something different, like "What school do you go to?" Oh well.

Untapped Resevoir!

I came up with some good ideas, I think, for Steel Doughnuts, but was never able to do them justice. I never posted them, but I still think they are funny concepts.

I had what I thought to be a really good idea for an article a few months ago. It would be a diary of sorts, about a man who was turning into the lead singer from My Chemical Romance. To anyone with any musical taste or morals, this would be a fate worse than death. I probably would have written it similar to what I imagine A Werewolf In London is like.

Another idea, maybe even older than the My Chemical Romance monster idea, was something about a war diary. I don't quite remember it, but the enemy would have been something like taco people or maybe it was emo-punk music... It seemed like a good idea at the time, but clearly it musn't have been that great, since I can't even remember it.

My favorite idea, which has only partially been realized, is giant robots fighting with submarine sandwiches. Someday, I will create something around this idea. And it will be grand.