Thursday, September 21, 2006

I Love Accents!

Accents are everywhere. Some would say we all have an accent, but they are wrong, and idiots. The suburban dialect is the correct American English, so unless you speak exactly like I do, shut the fuck up and get the hell out of my house!

I'm writing this piece to finally set all you motherfuckers straight on accents; which are good, which are bad, and the like.

Here are my favorite accents, the "good" ones:


The British accent is awesome, because they sound so diginified and intelligent, even if they are retarded. In this way, they are lucky, because if you are American, and are an idiot, it is immediately evident. When women have a nice British accent, it is one of the hottest things ever. The one exception to this is the Cockney British accent. It's cool for guys to have it, because they can be funny or badass, but when chicks have a cockney accent, it seriously stomps on your erection.


This is the cutest thing imaginable. I don't care how manly you are, you have to think Japanese women are adorable. The only thing that makes my Japanese culture class bearable is when the Japanese TA teaches hiragana, because she traces them in the air, and says things like "This one a rittle trickee, ita haba circow here!"


German accents are awesome, as long as the speaker is really enthusiastic. Once they slow down, it becomes unbearable, but as long as they are a travel show host, it's awesome. If they give you a chance to really hear the little imperfections, they can drive you nuts, but if they do it fast and say things like "wery wiolent," it's all worth it.


Sometimes movies have a profound impact on our perceptions of accents. The Lion King has single-handedly made the Nigerian accent awesome. Just think of Mufasa saying "Everything the light touches is your kingdom."


Whenever you hear an Irish accent, it just makes you want to have a good time and get drunk and break a bottle over someone's head.


There is nothing better than hearing any one of the fantastic Australian exclamations. Everyone thinks "CRIKEY!" is the best one, but you are all idiots. The best is clearly "Ooh de lally!"


This is another instance in which a movie has greatly changed the reputation of an accent. Natasha Nogoodnik from Rocky & Bullwinkle paved the way, but Xenia from Goldeneye really made the Russian accent hot.


I can't not laugh out loud when I hear a Latin person end a sentence with "meng!"

These may be awesome, but there are several accents which are horrendous and should be destroyed.

To be continued in I Hate Accents!

No comments: