Or, "Suprise, Everyone!"
So, it was Friday night, and, rather than go party with friends, I decided to go to the Campus Center, and get some philosophy reading done, or perhaps record a public service announcement at the radio station. On my way there, carrying my bookbag, I ran into a couple friends walking in the opposite direction. They were returning home from a test, chemistry or whatever, and invited me to hang out with them. Rather than continue on to a productive, but embarassing time away from other humans, I accepted the invitation.
They had just gotten an ice luge, and were excited about it, so it was put to great use. I don't really find much excitement from all the different ways people around me are finding to get drunk; I've never found throwing balls into cups or flipping coins at shit incredibly interesting. But this seemed neat, because it was almost guaranteed to cause a smelly, disgusting mess, with people pouring alcohol all over a block of ice and trying to catch it in their mouths.
Once the luge was set up, we all proceeded to drink, lots. I got pretty drunk, after having who knows how many shots. (1? 2? It's a mystery!) I was then invited to go smoke. I already had set a precedent of accepting invitations earlier in the night, so I went. On the walk over, I started not to be able to pay attention to things as well as I normally am, but, as one might expect, I didn't pay that any attention.
Once the smoking started, I was pretty out of it. Not being one to let a simple thing like blacking out affect my demeanor, I continued smoking while not even being aware of what was going on. I started leaning back, sometimes forgetting to breathe, then taking deep breaths upon remembering that I probably needed to do that to live.
Eventually, someone said something about breasts; I don't remember what, something about them being exposed right in front of me or something. Anyway, people were confused as to my lack of interest. It's not that I wasn't interested in nips, it's just that I wasn't really paying attention, as we've established. Anyway, everyone started paying attention to me now that they noticed my occasional gasps for oxygen. Knowing my history of asthma, it was assumed that I was having an asthma attack.
I must've started dry-heaving at this point, because I remember being led to a trash-bin. I don't remember dry-heaving, only disgustingly smacking my lips, due to massive sudden dehydration. I got water at some point, but it definitely wasn't enough.
Throughout all of this, people were talking to me, and I was taking a long time to respond, usually only with single words, probably sounding very distressed and childlike. That's how I felt. I couldn't retain or recall any information. I kept making incredible discoveries, like "I am in Amherst, Massachusetts." I was terrified about this; I don't normally forget things like where I am, how long I've been there, or who all these people are. The only thing I can remember solidly is that I was mortified that I had drunk myself retarded, and that I would remain so forever. I've never been as scared of anything as I was at that moment of losing my intellect.
Anyway, at this time, it was decided that I should be led back to my room. For some reason, the route chosen was one covered in ice. It was also uphill. Not much progress was made, because I fell down, and began trying to eat ice. (I was thirsty, you see.) At this point, I was not responding to my escorts, and, once I tried to eat the snow off my own shoe, and ambulance was called. I sat in the snow for a long time, and then it arrived, and I was on my way!
The paramedics were kind of dicks. I was still incredibly thirsty, and I asked for water. The guy taking my information said he couldn't give me any water until I saw a doctor (which turned out not to happen for another couple of hours). He asked me questions like "You been doin' any drinkin' tonight, son?" and "You been smokin' any pots? Eh? A little marijuana?" In my head, I was responding with "For the last time, yes!" but I imagine it came out more like a whimpering "mmhmm." After around 20-40 minutes in the ambulance, I remember getting impatient. "Seriously. You're not going to give me any water?"
I was wheeled into the emergency ward of the hospital. I wasn't really important enough to get a room, so they just left me in the hallway. A male-nurse introduced himself to me, and it turned out he had the same name as me. This bothered me, but I didn't show it, being too busy lolling my head around in circles. He started stabbing my fingertips with stuff, to get a blood-sugar sample. After his second attempt, he said something like "I can't get any, he's too cold!" which I guess meant that my time lying in the snow had numbed my fingers too much to allow for any blood flow. But that's bullshit, because I could feel him stabbing my fingers like a billion times.
I was left to wallow in my own intemperence for a while. I remember hearing some broad moaning from another room, and thinking about what a sissy she was being. Eventually, someone made a third attempt to get a blood-sugar reading, and succeeded sanguinely. I bled all over the blanket they gave me, which was fun. They soon capitulated to me endless requests for something to drink, and gave me some diet ginger ale, which I proceeded to spill on myself, and they also gave me some saltines, which I proceeded to smash to pieces. I did my best to increase my status from laying in my own crapulence, to laying in my own crapulence and my own filth.
Soon a doctor saw me, took some blood, and ask me what seemed to be the thousandth question about my drinking and smoking. She left, and I then layed around, and listened to the moaning of the other patient, occasionally turning to see the person laying in the stretcher behind me, all the while swaying my head around in a circle. Pretty soon, the person behind me woke up and tried to go to the bathroom, not realize he was connected to an IV. He started walking around in a circle, confined to the radius of his IV. Pretty soon, a nurse saw him, and ran over, handing him the IV, and telling him to "Hold this!" Once he got back, I asked if it would be "permissible to go to the bathroom." People don't seem to like it when you use big words, but here's where it pays off, when you're in the hospital for being too drunk, and then people realize you must not be that drunk, because you're throwing around words like "permissible" like it ain't no thang. Needless to say, I was granted access to their toilet.
Pretty soon, the doctor came back and told me she couldn't think of a reason to keep me. I was discharged, and allowed to wander out of the emergency ward, given no instructions as to where I should go, or what to do once I got there. I should probably say that I was still insanely drunk and high, but either no one noticed, or no one cared. Again, I think I owe this to my vocabulary.
After going to the bathroom maybe five or six more times in the next five minutes, peeing everywhere, I found the waiting room, and read some horribly boring literature on home purchasing and flower purchasing. I think I found some personal ads asking for some male on male slavery as well, but it's hard to say what I was reading, and what I was just making up.